the three-legged stool

An opportunity to learn about God came when I entered a 12-step program. It didn’t take long to see that this support group for friends and families of alcoholics was an intense spiritual discipline. I didn't know that going in, but because my marriage, family and sanity depended on it, I rigorously got with the program.

My first task after admitting powerlessness over my problems was to acknowledge that there was a power greater than myself. I thought of the brilliant solutions found in nature, like the way the molecule of the skunk’s spray is shaped like a hook so that it will stick better in the nostrils of the predator, or how 40% of the world’s oxygen is generated by the tiny phytoplankton. I tuned in to the network of creative intelligence at work in the universe and called this mysterious divine force my Higher Power.

Because I asked for it, Higher Power, or HP, began to reveal itself to me. I began to discover from the daily growth of insight and easing of my burdens the nature of my Higher Power. I was able to begin constructing a notion of HP, based entirely on my experience, following my nose and listening for signals in the dark.

The Power's first revelation to me was its mystery. I understood that it was more vast, complex, beautiful and enormous than I could ever hope to know, and that I may never have explanations for the things it makes happen and lets happen. Understanding HP as mystery placed me in a position of deference, as I gave over my need to know the reasons for everything and had to admit that I didn’t really know very much at all.

My second discovery had to do with giving. I could see that HP was a giving power, in the myriad little ways that I was cared for and always had enough for my family. I wanted to be more like HP by being a giver myself. Just as the feast of creation compels us to ask, "Who is the chef here?", I was further compelled to thank the chef for his magnificent work.

My third discovery was that when I dwelled in gratitude I drew closer to HP. I began to practice expressing gratitude to HP as often as I could remember. By actively treasuring the blessings in my life, by speaking out loud and saying, “thank you”, I placed myself in an attitude of humility before a creative force greater than me. Practicing gratitude to this day provides me with the most direct method of returning to God after I’ve wandered away.

Buckminster Fuller teaches us that three makes a stable structure. For many years my Higher Power rested on this three-legged stool of mystery, giving and gratitude. I trusted in it because it came out of my personal experience and required no leap of faith, only an acknowledgement of qualities I could plainly see and experience.

the stool grows

The great Power represented by the three-legged stool was imbued with sweetness. I seemed to have always been so dearly cherished that every need was answered before I even asked. Not just the parking spaces and just enough change in my purse to buy dinner. How could I explain having been blessed with my two extraordinary children, a most devoted husband, good health and the gifts of song and art? Only a very loving and generous power would give all that.

As the years passed, I added legs to my stool, such as listening, because that act brought me outside of myself. I added forgiveness, though I was ill-equipped to practice it with any skill. Still I hoped it would soften my heart and enable me to draw closer to HP. I added self-compassion because I was hindered by a constant self-berating.

All of the legs of my stool with the exception of the first had to do with my bearing as I approached the Higher Power. I established a posture for myself that made it possible to bow before HP with humility, gratitude and a proper sense of awe.

Prayer became an essential almost daily necessity for practicing these foundation concepts. I was in frequent conversation with HP, who sometimes spoke back to me in great silences, sometimes with specific words whispered as if in my ear, sometimes uttered wisdom, humor and insight through the mouths of the people around me, sometimes in the language of wind or accident or poetic coincidence.

I was fascinated with how people pray. I came to believe that when people come together to pray, the Power listened and let blessings flow. It heard and responded in unexpected and sometimes miraculous ways. I even founded and led a prayer group that met weekly for a year.

Meanwhile, I was discovering a new serenity and humility that made it possible for me to submit myself to the demands of marriage and motherhood. As I grew able to be humble in my marriage, it steadily improved. Mothering became much easier with the sense that I was not doing it alone, but with the help of a Power that held my children as well as myself in its hands.